Friday, 7 February 2014

Them shitty days

When one thing goes wrong, IT GOES ALL WRONG. Today was just those times where it was one down, and many more after. So when school ended, me and my classmates went to Starbucks to get some CAs done, since submission is rapidly approaching. So, at then, I had a very uncomfortable stomach ache, which didn't help at all, as it happened after me getting a drink, which meant I didn't even finish it. Then, we had to go consult my lecturer for one of my writing modules, and we got back our CA for a previous CA, I really thought I did not bad, good in fact, and in the end, I didn't even manage to get a B+, just a pathetic B. To make things worse, people around me go so much better scores. That's the thing I hate about myself, like I just have to always compare myself to someone and the minute I don't do as well, it takes over my life. I brood about it over and over again, worrying for things that has already became concrete, reality. 

To add on that, during my consultation, I kind of thought my written works were quite well done. And then after the consultation, I looked at my work, and hated every part of it. Too plain, too boring, too unappealing. And while we're there, my lecturer talked about blogging, and how we should use it to practice writing. And as if planned perfectly by god, I got my first mean comment on my blog. Which till now I don't quite get. 

And the bad luck doesn't end there. Me, Charissa and Vinny wanted to find our lecturer for some filming CA, and we thought he would be in his office by 5, since his class ends around that time. But it didn't, he had 2 meetings, so we sat, sat and sat, and we only got to meet him at 7:30pm. 

At foreign language class, I was so sleepy and didn't revise prior, so practically I learned nothing today. 

And I feel like I'm once again in those situation, where no matter how hard I try, I will forever be trapped in the B grades. Not that it is that bad, but who doesn't want a good grade? And the worse scenario is when you get a B grade, and half the class gets As. Which happened in Social Psychology, more than half the class got A. And I got a B. At the end of the day, I'm just unwilling to let it go, just like that, despite my efforts and trying my best, all I get is a run-of-the-mill grade, while I see other people get their distinctions so easily and seamlessly. 

And at that point of time, I really am in those state of minds where I can't help but just feel this self-sympathy, like do I seriously have nothing, am I just useless. Those times where I just wished it would be much easier if I just didn't existed. And the bad things that ever happened to me just start flooding back. It's like no matter how hard I try to improve myself, I just can't get it there, and people just keep on saying and criticising. The endless questioning of what did I do wrong, why am I just not good enough. 

I worry, day and night, and it is absolutely pathetic. I never enjoyed life, because I'm always thinking and being anxious about stuff. Probably why I'm still single, I'm in a relationship with worries. It's plaguing me to no ends, and it really sucks. Like for once I just want to not give a fuck. 

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