Today is one of those days, where I trapped myself in my room, and as the sun rose and set, so did the insecurities. By nature, I try not to be pulled down by the negative voices inside and out. But there are some days, like today, it's hard to not feel so tiny and small.
There's so many things that I'm not exactly pleased with myself, and it's tragic. Because I have everything I ever needed. But then, whatever that I feel I want, I could never get.
I began the holidays wanting to live it meaningfully, so I don't let it go to waste, like it did to the many holidays that happened before. It's just merely the second week, and I start feeling like shit. It's not like I haven't done anything, but yet I feel so unaccomplished.
Scrolling through Instagram, Twitter and even Facebook, you see people you know, doing so many great things, fulfilling so many achievements, and then looking at my own reflection, what am I doing?
I set out to meet missed connections, but until now, it seems like they'll stay missed. It's just the second week, why do I feel so deconstructed already? Seeing your friends with other friends. It's hard to not think, with this state of mind especially, am I the problem? Am I the friend that everyone rather not have, and just like a computer, so they wish I was a document that could be erased and forgotten?
The sad feeling comes about, and what hits even harder is the thought that I am a second choice, or a choice that is far behind second. The question comes 'what is wrong with me? what is it, that people hate about me?'
Insecurities, suddenly, looking at the mirror is a wrenched action. The flaws suddenly seemed so much more obvious. The thing is you see, when you're so far away from perfection, even if it's just a state of mind and it doesn't exist. The further away you are from it, the hungrier you are to attain it. But how can I, how can I do anything to get anywhere.
Zooming out, looking at a greater picture, looking at people around me, they seem to be enjoying life, they have someone who loves them, they have achieved many things, they have things to their names. And what do I have? Nothing.
A laughter, a loud voice, may have been a good side, a great facade, that sometimes I believe I am it. But when you're left alone, you can't help, I can't help but to think, 'have I offended them?', 'What if they don't like me at all?'. Overtime, the questions slowly becomes statements.
Have I become that insecure?
I now have lost the ability to leave the house by lonesome without having the butterflies in my stomach. I am no longer capable of being comfortable in my own skin. Looking in the mirror, there's so many things I wish I could change. Do I just actually want acceptance? Even if I did, who?
I've heard and I've done, the most selfish trait in the nature of human : judge. I know how cruel people can get with their thoughts, because I've had those about other people too.
The bunch of I wish I could have suddenly just becomes a highlight of 'look these are the things you would never have'.
I know that I'm not the only one in the world who goes through down periods, but when it hits you, you never can seem to expect it, and when it occurs, you can't help but to feel like so worst person ever.
p.s I'm feeling a lot better now, and I think writing it all out to some extent help clear the negative thoughts.