The Writer's Curse

I had a thought, for quite a while now. But I never really had the motivation and mind to put it in words. But fact is, or for the most parts, all writers - let it be authors, poets, bloggers, essayists and anything that belongs to the spectrum are cursed. Cursed not in the way a horror movie would, but instead, by the thoughts in our own heads.

All writers are overthinkers.

Overthinkers by short, revolutionists by further. Constantly surrounded or plagued by thoughts, both real and fiction, we all have a complex. From deep dark secrets & intense dreams to light-hearted drama to clever one-liners we develop an entire script for just to fit that in, we just have a brain that doesn't stop.

And in too many of times, it has served more bad than good. Paranoia, sadness and believing something that may not have actually happened, we developed more conspiracy theories in a single day than the ones created in a year. In things we cannot find someone to confide in - neither a friend, a lover, and parent, we find comfort in words, both in type or paper and pen.

Take the world's greatest writers for reference, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath & Arthur Koestler.

More than an actual platform to share anything, it really is a venting space to release a little bit of tension. Maybe not on the web, but in a more silent corner offline. Words are a man's release to how tears mend the sadness of a child in pain.

I'm not going to lie, I no longer feel happy.

"She Was Haunted by Demons"

I've read this book, Colourless Tskuru Tazaki, by the acclaimed Japanese author Haruki Murakami. In a quick summary, it followed the journey of the 30+ year old Tsukuru Tazaki and his very odd, but self-satisfying lonely life. And flashes back to a moment in his late teens, where his close-knit inseparable group of 5 friends, suddenly cut all ties with him out of the blue. Interestingly enough, everyone's name meant a colour, all except Tsukuru. Perhaps a literary symbol of some sort, this book was everything you hoped it would be. Great plot, fantastic sub-plots and explores the internal turmoils of each character.

One that stood out, the character Shiro Shirane. Her name translated to 'white root.' And just like her name, she was gentle as a flower, pure as snow and was talented in music. Her life was picture perfect. And as the story went on, it revealed she was strangled to death at 30. 

As time caught on, Shiro started to die, her spirit faded. She no longer had sparks in her eyes on things she once found interest in. She can no longer find happiness in the simplest of things. It's not that she didn't want to, she just couldn't anymore.

In the book, one of the lines that struck out to me was "She was haunted by demons." And I feared for myself, because I saw a great deal of myself from the character. One that tries so hard to be perfect, and have thoughts running through our minds that we couldn't sleep at night. Thoughts that made me couldn't sleep at night. 

And haunted by demons? Not demons of the devil, but the demons of our minds. I am afraid I'd break down like how she did. I'm terrified that one day, that I would too lose the ability to find happiness and joy in things. And that I could only feel sorrow and despair. I'm so scared that I would one day become an empty shell, whose security is set by those around me, changing every time. 

And a tiny voice said, "help me."

Demons tread not on fire carriages with horns on their heads. They're the perfect artefacts created by our minds and thoughts. 

Like a Rubber Band, We Can Snap Any Moment

Now I know, this song has been out for eons, well, 5 months on video that is, and in teenage and radio top 40's point of view, is ancient already. But I haven't paid attention to this song until like 2 weeks ago? Which rabbit hole did I fall into this time, right? 

But if anything, one lyric that stood out, actually there's a few, you'll see. Songs have long been a companion to everyone at any age, for many reasons. Just to name a few off hand, great melody, sung by our favourite singers, blah. But perhaps at this age, being young, insecure and only want to have fun, certain songs stand out for its emotion and ability to connect. At a point of our lives, or used to be. 

"I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard. Yeah, I may snap and I move fast"

When it comes to many things, different things, we all have a limit. Great thing is, that limit can be stretched, with the passage of time, it can get thicker. Your patience, you tolerance, through the events and people you encounter, you either become a most elastic band or one with breaks with a slight tug. 

That is why when people with short temper burst, you get annoyed, you roll your eyes. Because it does hurt, it tickles you with irritation. 

When people with great limits snap, you don't expect it. You get shocked, and you 'don't understand.' But don't you see, these people with great limits are bands so elastic, being able to stay at ease at times when everyone else is flocking around like chickens. It's people like these you think won't ever burst. And you keep on pulling. And the further you pull, the more it hurts. Take a rubber band and try snapping yourself.

~

"You won't see me fall apart, cause I got an elastic heart."

Quite empowering, right? Well, at first glance, that was exactly what I thought. You won't see me fall apart. I thought it was telling the other I'll be so strong and tough, I'll never fall apart even if you hoped for that to happen. But really, what it meant was putting on a mask in daylight. Falling apart, and dying inside when the doors are closed. What's amazing is that stories like that happens right now at this very moment to everyone around us. When you meet up with that friend of yours who is always so cheerful and you know for a fact has nothing going wrong in their lives. 

And maybe you're right. But maybe, every night, their minds drift to the one or few things that cause them grave sadness. It could be an ex-lover, it could be a death of a close friend, or simply a sad news. And we die a little, even if we don't want to. 

Cause I got an elastic heart. You simply can't break something that's already broken. 

~

It seems like we all have issues that we find hard to resolve, and it's even harder at this age where everything makes sense and doesn't at the same time. Wouldn't this utter sadness make everyone just want to commit suicide? I read Twitter once, that "people who kill themselves didn't want to end their lives, they wanted to end their pain."

I then wonder, how scary it had to be, to experience pain so badly. One that isn't physical or tangible. Like an entity, it sticks with you, replaying scenes that may not even exist in your head. An image so excruciating you wished you slept forever. 

But somehow or rather, we are a lucky bunch to know that at the end of the day, no matter how much pain we feel now, we'll get over it, and we live with the hope that it'll get better.