The Writer's Curse

I had a thought, for quite a while now. But I never really had the motivation and mind to put it in words. But fact is, or for the most parts, all writers - let it be authors, poets, bloggers, essayists and anything that belongs to the spectrum are cursed. Cursed not in the way a horror movie would, but instead, by the thoughts in our own heads.

All writers are overthinkers.

Overthinkers by short, revolutionists by further. Constantly surrounded or plagued by thoughts, both real and fiction, we all have a complex. From deep dark secrets & intense dreams to light-hearted drama to clever one-liners we develop an entire script for just to fit that in, we just have a brain that doesn't stop.

And in too many of times, it has served more bad than good. Paranoia, sadness and believing something that may not have actually happened, we developed more conspiracy theories in a single day than the ones created in a year. In things we cannot find someone to confide in - neither a friend, a lover, and parent, we find comfort in words, both in type or paper and pen.

Take the world's greatest writers for reference, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath & Arthur Koestler.

More than an actual platform to share anything, it really is a venting space to release a little bit of tension. Maybe not on the web, but in a more silent corner offline. Words are a man's release to how tears mend the sadness of a child in pain.

I'm not going to lie, I no longer feel happy.

"She Was Haunted by Demons"

I've read this book, Colourless Tskuru Tazaki, by the acclaimed Japanese author Haruki Murakami. In a quick summary, it followed the journey of the 30+ year old Tsukuru Tazaki and his very odd, but self-satisfying lonely life. And flashes back to a moment in his late teens, where his close-knit inseparable group of 5 friends, suddenly cut all ties with him out of the blue. Interestingly enough, everyone's name meant a colour, all except Tsukuru. Perhaps a literary symbol of some sort, this book was everything you hoped it would be. Great plot, fantastic sub-plots and explores the internal turmoils of each character.

One that stood out, the character Shiro Shirane. Her name translated to 'white root.' And just like her name, she was gentle as a flower, pure as snow and was talented in music. Her life was picture perfect. And as the story went on, it revealed she was strangled to death at 30. 

As time caught on, Shiro started to die, her spirit faded. She no longer had sparks in her eyes on things she once found interest in. She can no longer find happiness in the simplest of things. It's not that she didn't want to, she just couldn't anymore.

In the book, one of the lines that struck out to me was "She was haunted by demons." And I feared for myself, because I saw a great deal of myself from the character. One that tries so hard to be perfect, and have thoughts running through our minds that we couldn't sleep at night. Thoughts that made me couldn't sleep at night. 

And haunted by demons? Not demons of the devil, but the demons of our minds. I am afraid I'd break down like how she did. I'm terrified that one day, that I would too lose the ability to find happiness and joy in things. And that I could only feel sorrow and despair. I'm so scared that I would one day become an empty shell, whose security is set by those around me, changing every time. 

And a tiny voice said, "help me."

Demons tread not on fire carriages with horns on their heads. They're the perfect artefacts created by our minds and thoughts. 

Like a Rubber Band, We Can Snap Any Moment

Now I know, this song has been out for eons, well, 5 months on video that is, and in teenage and radio top 40's point of view, is ancient already. But I haven't paid attention to this song until like 2 weeks ago? Which rabbit hole did I fall into this time, right? 

But if anything, one lyric that stood out, actually there's a few, you'll see. Songs have long been a companion to everyone at any age, for many reasons. Just to name a few off hand, great melody, sung by our favourite singers, blah. But perhaps at this age, being young, insecure and only want to have fun, certain songs stand out for its emotion and ability to connect. At a point of our lives, or used to be. 

"I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard. Yeah, I may snap and I move fast"

When it comes to many things, different things, we all have a limit. Great thing is, that limit can be stretched, with the passage of time, it can get thicker. Your patience, you tolerance, through the events and people you encounter, you either become a most elastic band or one with breaks with a slight tug. 

That is why when people with short temper burst, you get annoyed, you roll your eyes. Because it does hurt, it tickles you with irritation. 

When people with great limits snap, you don't expect it. You get shocked, and you 'don't understand.' But don't you see, these people with great limits are bands so elastic, being able to stay at ease at times when everyone else is flocking around like chickens. It's people like these you think won't ever burst. And you keep on pulling. And the further you pull, the more it hurts. Take a rubber band and try snapping yourself.

~

"You won't see me fall apart, cause I got an elastic heart."

Quite empowering, right? Well, at first glance, that was exactly what I thought. You won't see me fall apart. I thought it was telling the other I'll be so strong and tough, I'll never fall apart even if you hoped for that to happen. But really, what it meant was putting on a mask in daylight. Falling apart, and dying inside when the doors are closed. What's amazing is that stories like that happens right now at this very moment to everyone around us. When you meet up with that friend of yours who is always so cheerful and you know for a fact has nothing going wrong in their lives. 

And maybe you're right. But maybe, every night, their minds drift to the one or few things that cause them grave sadness. It could be an ex-lover, it could be a death of a close friend, or simply a sad news. And we die a little, even if we don't want to. 

Cause I got an elastic heart. You simply can't break something that's already broken. 

~

It seems like we all have issues that we find hard to resolve, and it's even harder at this age where everything makes sense and doesn't at the same time. Wouldn't this utter sadness make everyone just want to commit suicide? I read Twitter once, that "people who kill themselves didn't want to end their lives, they wanted to end their pain."

I then wonder, how scary it had to be, to experience pain so badly. One that isn't physical or tangible. Like an entity, it sticks with you, replaying scenes that may not even exist in your head. An image so excruciating you wished you slept forever. 

But somehow or rather, we are a lucky bunch to know that at the end of the day, no matter how much pain we feel now, we'll get over it, and we live with the hope that it'll get better. 

Korean Munching All Day Long

After all the thought-provoking/depressive posts, I'm finally back with an outing post. A mixture of perfectionism and insecurity and photoshop made it forever before I could post anything with photos(read:selfies) But after the longest time, the term break was upon us. Which only meant one thing, time to hang out, right?

After watching 987tv's review of this Korean fried chicken shop called Chir Chir, I totally got sold and had to head down to try it for myself. But then again, how many people can say no to fried chicken hor?

If you watched the video above, you would know that Chir Chir is pronounced Chee-Ray Chee-Ray, which is like the sound of chicken when it's fried. (Please note that this post will have less selfies[:(] cause on that day it was like my second-day using snapchat and I snapped the entire afternoon. With that said, may be a a good thing for you.)

While waiting for Vernice to draw money, there was this candy shop and while looking around I saw this.

I dk what this really is yet, but that time I saw an ep of Tried & Tested on clicknetwork(yes, I watch that show, don't judge), and it's like basically Nutella with rice krispys or something, and I'm like omfg, I actually found it. And then I looked at the price tag, $8 for a small jar. I was like "Ok I don't want to carry a jar all over so aunty later I come back and buy." I forgot about that totally. 

So off to the basement of 313 we went and this was it. From the video I kept on thinking that it was at Cine, but anyway. It was a weekend and the place was relatively crowded but nonetheless no crazy queues, so we didn't have to wait that long before we got a seat. 

When we sat down the waitress was pretty nice to us, and told us how it works, and when we;re ready to order, all we have to do is to hit the buzzer and they'll come to us. Buzzer is that white thing on the table. Which I thought was quite smart. At first glance you might be unpleasantly surprised at the prices of the dishes they have. Most of them are $30 & up. But the portion they serve are nothing short of generous. 

While I was reading up on this place online, I heard that in Korean dining, it's all about community and eating in a group, that's why you should bring a group of people when you go Korean dining. #funfact

After contemplating, we settled with 3 dishes and a decided to try out and share the beer. Knowing that I'm shit with beer and probably will pussy out and won't drink a lot, I took the liberty and got a coke just in case. Fucking weak omg.

And with all its golden glory, the full-sized beer, a full sized pint? I don't know what is a pint but they have 2 sizes nd teller glass and a small one. What's cool is that they serve it with whipped cream on top, which is homemade btw, which is a little bit creamier and smoother. And as you stir it the beer gets cloudy. (Duh.) And as expected I pussied out big time. The taste of it straight out made me cringe physically. 

Not that I want to be some alcoholic bitch, but I think its pretty good to drink once in a while. I have no iudea how but Jane and Vernice downed it like a champion.

 tong-ish things to get the meat out without dirtying our hands. umm, A+!!

So we got the fried chicken, garlic baked chicken and cheese fries. And there was plenty to go around. The cheese fries was ok, nothing that is out of this world, but nonetheless better than KFC's one.

BUT THE CHICKEN, is mindblowing. What are the criteria for successful fried chicken?

1. Crispy on the outside
2. Moist & tender on the inside
3. Hot

Hello, all 3 marks hit and more! Freshly fried, deep-fried chicken, that is piping hot. Oh my gerrd, the skin is so incredibly crispy. And the meat inside, crazy moist! Honestly, I was not expecting that, at all. I mean, yes I did have that mindset it should be better than your usual fast food outlets, but it was just too amazing.

As for the garlic baked chicken, it was also pretty good, but I prefer the fried option. But it was a very close battle! The faked that it's baked made it even softer and more moist since the moisture is just left to, bake. There's really no other words to describe it.

On top of that, garlic bits sprinkled all over with butter(?) sauce, and a side serving of potato and egg. Now that I think of it, the only reason why I didn't have this as the top pick was just a personal bias, and that is I love, LOVE fried chicken skin. It's like legal crack wtf.

And in the meantime we were digging into our meals, the usual happened. Updating each other about all the shit school is giving and how much life is being a bitch. But through moments like these, we, or at least I just feel uber appreciative of the people I have around me.

The bill totalled up to like $20+ per person, which wasn't to bad, considering how we were all filled. 

Shopping time! Cuz GSS is here! Naw, we went to Muji after lunch to get rid of the food coma, in my case I would think of it as a food-total-paralysis. Literally I just not want to walk and just stay there for the remaining of the day. Which is essentially me at home on a weekend. Eat & sleep. Both happens in bed. Posh or ratchet? You decide.

And at this point I figured out I haven't taken any photos, and thought it'll be great to take. So, I took it. I believe that in these photos, I thought I look pretty damn good. But what yo see here is digitally enhanced final product. Albeit different, but very much the same. (please embed this into your head and think i actually look this better IRL. thanks)

Ummm, yes pls. A long one too. 

After the quick Muji round-up, we, or I wanted to go to a bookstore to find some random ass book by JohN Wyndham. I know, this reading hobby hit me so randomly, just like how cracked up Miley Cyrus hit the old Hannah Montana, but I digress. 

But in my effort to be more cultured and get actual literature and novels, I left the bookstore, once again as all my bookstore trips had been. I leave with more stuff when I went in only wanting to buy 1, ONE BOOK. And the saddest part, I bought a book and a few magazines. I lie to myself that it's for magazine inspiration for my project. But I know too well, it's just an attempt at being hippy. (and we know what buying more books mean, bitch is getting more broke.)

Amazingly, we spend an entire hour and a half at Kino, but as always, a great experience and rather fun time. We came across this book, which is the book to answering all the questions you have in life. First you place both hands on the book, think of the question and open a page. Clever one-liners make you infer yourself whether or not the answer make sense. Superbly clever, so expensive one would really be dumb if they bought it.

Since we were at at Taka anyway, we reckoned to just slack at Lady M or some random confectionary and chill. But really, I just wanted to find a place to sit, after all that standing in the bookstore, anywhere really, is a great place.

-

With the death of Llao Llao, comes the rise of Honey Creme & MilkCow, and with the impending death of that hype, Korean snow ice, also known as Bing Su. And since going to Korea to have the authentic one isn't going to happen(read MERS), we agreed that we should head with the trend before it died down. I give it 2 months. 

Somehow or rather, we made it back to 313 again, where the place was. O' ma spoon it was called. 

With different types of shaved ice(read : a classier cousin of the ice-kacang), and 'brick' toasts. We settled for one of their highlights, the 인절미 빙수. Which is a nut & ricecake bing su. And also the choco-strawberry honey butter toast. 

And in it's mighty gloryyyy, there it is. Super recommend you bring a friend or more to eat this because it's pretty damn big, and if you think about it, it's all just water, which bloats you pretty badly if you have to much. And that little pot on the side, watered down condense milk. I saw on Instagram some shops just give you the condensed milk as it is.

The first thing I think of when I tasted it was muah chee, a local snack at pasar malams.

(Source)

 The choco-strawberry honey brick toast, such a waste of money. Extremely overpriced, and can be so easily replicated in your own free time, and best thing is, you can probably do it under $5. By the time we started eating this, it has turned cold and became very chewy and tasted mediocre at most. So if you are planning to have it, eat it while its warm. 

This day kinda turned into eating korean stuff, which was pretty cool. On a side note, we went to Zara at one point and I saw this really nice shirt, and I dk why I didn't buy it </3

so cute, and I didn't get it. wtf was in my mind?

Why Loving the Wrong Person is like a Blind Man Climbing A Mountain

We were a perfect match, maybe that's why we burnt out

Caught in my thoughts, social media and uber boredom, I had a thought; Love is a beautiful thing, but if you do it incorrectly, you're a blind man climbing a mountain. Metaphorically. I had this thought for a while, and archived it in a corner of my mind. Until just recently, I was talking to a friend, whose cousin had a bad breakup. Boyfriend of 5 years left her for a girl he known only for a week.

Think about it. Loving someone who doesn't love you back, is a blind man setting a quest to conquer a mountain, to reach its peak. With each step you take, you can only get higher, the feeling more intense. The closer you get, the more thirsty you are to get there. You keep on climbing, with no real sense of direction, but as long as you are moving, you believe you're making progress.

Moving; time, progress;texts, hanging out, dinner.

You keep walking, and there's no turning back, right? You've too close to look back. And before you know it, you reach the top, the peak. Mission accomplished? A love so intense and obsessive, and the additional flirting that makes you feel so pretty and comfortable. That's what you were looking for.

And in the moment, the blind man takes another step, believing that he is just getting closer to the peak. And down goes all that was built up. Loving someone so intense to the point you tipped off, and you just can't do it anymore.

Sure, you could recover and do it again. But would you?

#QuickThoughts

I'm human, on good days, I feel like the most amazing person on this earth and go around wondering why no major company signed me up for my own reality show. I'm human, on normal days, I go get the work I have to do, done. And on bad days, I wish to be left alone, hoping that someone would come along to comfort me. I'm human, I experience the good, the bad and the unspeakable, all in a day, and in a few hours. Just like everyone else, I'm just trying to make it out alive in this thing called life.

Sometimes I wonder what have I don't wrong, but other times, I reckon nothing could stop me.

Magazine Vlog!

Goooooooood evening. If you have read an entry I've posted few weeks ago,  you would have known about this magazine project I'm doing till August. And one part of it is doing social media. Taking the high road, we are producing a 3-part(at least) series called Makers in the Making where you can follow us and our little journeys on whatever, mostly towards the final production of the magazine.

But anyway, for this blog post, I thought I'd share a video, since I almost never do that. And big thank you to Ke Xin, who is a master in video editing. She put together hours of footage into 7 minutes, and she completed the first rough cut in just one hour! If it were me, the final version may never appear.

Got some great news and stuff to share, super excited blog about it, but that'll come soon!

Enjoy!

#QuickThought

For the longest time on social media, teens who think they know better would challenge the rationale of school by mounting years of education, leveraging to a piece of paper. Work and study like dog to get a piece of paper. Sounds familiar? Well, it's no surprise. But in all honesty, I think that is just a state of mind.

I think school to be irrelevant and see nothing in it but chasing papers. But that is only you. You chose to view it that way. You choose to see no colour in it. You choose to disregard the things you have learned. Yes, there are things, too many in fact that serves little or no purpose. But if not for this mess you call school, would you have met the people you met. Would you otherwise find purpose and contemporaries?

You could be confined in your four walls and desperately trying to find purpose, and get you opinion mattered. So you see, even though you spend years chasing papers, you spend the same time building your life, and create connections and moments that you'll carry with you for a long time.

The good times, the bad times. You need them both. Without the bad times, you would never comprehend the value of good times. With the bad experiences, you'll cherish good times so much more.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. But as I look back in my 2.5 years in school, there's really nothing much I would change if I were to redo it. I've just learned too much to do any different.

Almost the same thing : Finding a Job & Finding Love

As internship period drew nearer, so did my stress and tension. And in the midst of writing resumes and sending cover letters, I had a thought. Is finding a job like finding love?

It may sound cynical and maybe illogical. But hear me out. When you’re finding love, you go and seek for it, like when you’re finding a job. You either chance into a notice, or know exactly where you want to go. And the cover letter you send in jobs, is like flirting when you are finding love. In a few sentences, a few paragraphs if you permit, you have to use that little time to interest and engage the other person.

If you get that attention, then we’ll talk. And when it comes to resumes and experience, it’s like the conversation. Getting to know more about each other. And when finding love, you may like a person a lot, so much in fact, and you see nothing else.

But for the employer or company, they receive tons of cover letters and resumes, and they keep their options open. To you, they might be the only person you see. But to them, in the dark or knowingly, you are just one of the options. And you’re just engaged because you stand chance, or you are a second option in case one fails?

And the interview? The date. Maybe they are interviewing a list of potential candi(dates), maybe the person you are in love with is dating are few people simultaneously. Like an interview, you don’t know who you’re competing against, but you know you’re not the only one.

And sometimes one fails, you employ the help of job finding applications and websites, like how some people turn to tinder or grindr. And the rest? Leave it up to the high heavens.

Isn’t it quite symbolic? Cynical and pathetic, that you put so much, too much sometimes of yourself into one person, to know you’re just, still an option. But still can’t shake that feeling off, hurting yourself over things are would hopefully matter.

We all want to be the person who changes the unsolvable. But sometimes, they just got to do the solving themselves. As much as we would like for it to work out, there’s just so much love can do until it stops.